For those of you that just tuned in, the Accidental Advice Column takes the search terms that show up in our blog data and pretends they are questions that people actually want to ask us!
Today’s topic:
Is it safe to use a sugar-free popsicle?
Here we run into one of the roadblocks in doing this column… and, truly, of the English language as a whole. “Use” is just about the most vague and abstract verb I can think of. Of course, using some good old-fashioned Brain Skills, we can narrow down the asker’s intent, given what we know about the EtB blog and why people would come here looking for information. I’ll spare you the ingenious logical finagling it took to figure this out, but here is the outcome of my mental mastery:
Is it safe to use a sugar-free popsicle?
a) In a vagina
b) In a butthole
c) In a mouth
A ha! We can now do further culling of these possibilities because most people who have had popsicle experiences know that they are meant to go in the mouth. Yes, it is safe to use popsicles in a mouth. So we can eliminate c) right off the bat. Which leaves us with the vag and the a-hole. This is highly technical stuff here, people… don’t try this kind of intellectual acrobatics at home.
Now. First with the butthole. I’m going to say that you can certainly try to stick a popsicle in your ass, but my guess is that it will either melt or break off before you get it in there. And as with all butt play, please use lots of lube. Melting sugar water does not count. But also, something else to take into consideration is the popsicle stick. Not only is there a danger of splinters, but as we know, the ass is a vacuum and can easily suck something as petite as a popsicle stick up into its nether reaches. So don’t shove the stick in there, like, at all. And remember… ass tissue is very very sensitive and prone to injury. Frostbite included.
That’s all well and good, but my sixth sex sense (whoa, I definitely would not be able to say that out loud) is telling me that the asker of this question was really most interested in sticking the popsicle up a twat. How do I know this? Because he/she used the descriptor “sugar-free” which means he/she is knowledgeable about yeast infections and how they can be caused by the introduction of sugar into the vagina. So… sugar-free popsicles? Are they cool, so to speak?
Well. Sugar substitutes are less likely to encourage the growth of yeast, this is true. But let’s take some other things into account - when the popsicle melts, it is going to get sticky. It is going to leave behind the nasty artificial dyes that make it so pretty in popsicle form (ever look at your tongue after eating a popsicle? Imagine your vulva in bright “blue raspberry” (is anyone else troubled by the fact that there are no blue raspberries?)). And even if it doesn’t cause a yeast infection, you are undoubtedly going to feel uncomfortable for awhile until all that sticky sugar-free goo is flushed out.
So here’s an alternative if you want to experiment with freezing temps in your twat. Why not make your own popsicles? Use just plain water, or better yet… yogurt! That way you can kill two birds with one stone - encourage the growth of good bacteria in your vagina while at the same time getting your (very, very cold) rocks off. Just be prepared for the weirdest ice cream headache you’ve ever had.
-Eden
Got a burning question you want answered? Too embarrassed to ask someone who might actually be able to help? Ask Google and maybe it’ll show up under our Search Terms so I can write a column about it!
