Here’s a conundrum for you: what if the efforts you’re taking to spice up your sex life are really just making things less spicy, more tedious, and utterly discouraging?
There are lots of ways this can happen, but the biggest one is focusing your energy on the wrong thing — the symptom, let’s say, instead of the cause. Or to put it in more concrete terms: Let’s say you’re looking to add variety in your sex life by adding to your repertoire of acrobatic penis-in-vagina intercourse positions. There are lots of books and movies that can help you do this, and sure, they can be fun to look through and get excited over, but if you’re putting all your sex eggs in one position basket, you’ll probably wind up with dissatisfaction and a painfully pulled hamstring.
If you already have a good sex life — if you’re already mixing it up, if you’re already talking about what you like and what you might like to try next — there’s probably no harm in these books. You might even get a couple of good ideas from them…. But if what you have on your hands is an okay/ mediocre sex life that’s getting into a rut, I think these books can be actually harmful. They give a completely misleading idea of what it takes to introduce variety into a long-term sex life. They make it seem as if the heart of sexual variety lies, not in imagination and experimentation and honest loving communication, but in arranging your bodies at different intersecting angles. If couples try this, and it doesn’t make their sex lives feel invigorated — as it very likely wouldn’t — it seems to me that it’d be more discouraging than anything else.
Okay wait. Before I reveal the newest sensation in vulva decorating, I just have to pause for a moment. Three weeks in a row now I’ve been presented with a new form of questionably hygienic genital primping, and three weeks in a row I’ve thought to myself: “Well now I’ve seen everything.” But this time — this time I’m just scared. I mean… WHAT DOES NEXT WEEK HOLD?? Vaginal smoothies? I don’t even know what that means, and I made it up!
Phew. Okay. I’m okay. And actually, now that I look at the pics, it is kinda pretty.
Spring break vacay, anyone? Cancun is so mid-’90s.
The Icelandic Phallological Museum contains a collection of two hundred and nine penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland… It should be noted that the museum has also been fortunate enough to receive legally-certified gift tokens for four specimens belonging to Homo Sapiens. Besides there are some twenty-three folklore specimens and forty foreign ones. Altogether the collection contains 272 specimens from 92 different species of animals.
Whoa whoa. Back up.
“Legally-certified gift tokens”? Does that mean… if these poor suckers don’t give up their peckers when they die, their families are somehow legally responsible? I’d love to be a juror on that case.
UPDATE: I see one of the donators donated his testicles. Well. I guess that’s about as legally-certified as you can get.
Also, “twenty-three folklore specimens”? Yes. According to the website they have penises from an Icelandic elf, a troll, a merman, and, of course, no imaginary penis collection would be complete without the Corpse-Eating Cat of Thingmuli:
Shrunk testicles from the ill-famed cat that used to dig itself into the churchyard of Thingmuli in East-Iceland and eat corpses during the first half of the 19th century. The eye glances of this cat were fatal to all creatures.
Do you think they have a gift shop? Because then I definitely have to go.
Are you irritated at the lack of porn selection on the internet? I know, we hear it all the time… why can’t the internet have more porn?
Conversely, are you too tired/lazy/naked to haul your cookies up to Early to Bed to rent the fabulous porn we have in the store?
No, all is not lost! Now you can get Early to Bed-approved** porn on the internet and right at your fingertips! We have a video-on-demand site that features some of our favorite indie, queer, and generally women-friendly porn studios, including:
You can buy a package of minutes or just pay as you go! It sounds crazy, but now you can find all your favorite porns on the internet… and we’ll be adding more soon! Check it out!
**While we hand pick all the studios on our VOD site, we cannot specifically choose which movies we want to display.
An elegantly-designed and swoon-worthy necklace by day, the Incoqnito Necklace transforms to a decadent pair of vibrating nipple clamps at night… or whenever you want it to! Simply slide the lambskin loops around each nipple, tighten the loop and turn on the tiny vibes. Made from beautiful sterling silver and presented in a stylish storage box, this is one sex toy you’ll never want to hide.
So, we’re generally all for using a little creativity in the bedroom. And, sometimes, turning everyday household products into a sex toy can be a great way to spicy things up on a budget. So, go ahead, use that (non-microwavable) saran wrap as a dental dam, and feel free to raid your kitchen for spatulas and wooden spoons to stand in for paddles. Just, please, whatever you do, when it comes to your butt, listen to our friend Ducky and stick to officially designated products.
So in late January, the Australian Classification Bureau “banned mainstream pornography from showing women with A-cup breasts, apparently on the grounds that they encourage paedophilia…” thus criminalizing women with small tits who want to be in adult movies and publications. Oh also, they banned the depiction of female ejaculation. Because it’s “abhorrent”.
I find this just… bizarre. A government codifying what its citizens should find attractive? A government effectively criminalizing a body shape that it has randomly decided is inappropriate for its adult citizens to have or admire? The mind boggles. But rest assured, our nerds-in-arms will not let this one slide. Part of a recent wave of protests is Operation Titstorm — where anonymous DDoS’ers (Distributed Denial of Service) took down the websites of Senator Stephen Conroy and the entire Australian Parliament House. Said “Anonymous” to the Australian media:
Australia’s laws on internet censorship are already among the most restrictive in the western world. Their government filters more internet content than any other Parliamentary Democracy. For some elements within the Government, including Telecommunications Minister Senator Stephen Conroy, this still is not enough. Late in January of 2009 he proposed legislature that would lead to mandatory ISP filtering for all of Australia. The stated goal is to prevent Australia from viewing ‘illegal and unwanted content’ on the Internet. The ambiguity of the term ‘unwanted content’ is completely unacceptable. No government should have the right to refuse its citizens access to information solely because they perceive it to be ‘unwanted’.
I’d hate to see how this legislation is affecting the plastic surgery rate…
Lest you think vulva makeovers begin and end with a dye job… I give you the “Vajacial”.
You heard me. The Vajacial. The facial for your… well, vulva, technically. Try as we might, no one seems to be able to get it through their thick skulls that THE VAGINA IS THE HOLE. Ahem.
According to the press release:
Meant to be performed a week after waxing, the 50-minute treatment ($60) involves four steps. First, skin is cleansed with an antibacterial body wash and witch hazel. Then, a papaya-based exfoliating gel goes on before the esthetician extracts ingrown hairs. After that, an anti-freckle, anti-acne, or calming mask is applied. It finishes off with an application of lightening cream.
So let me get this straight. I fork over $60 to have you slather my vulva with who-knows-what antibactierial (REALLY?) soap and nasty chemical (excuse me, “papaya-based”) creams, in the effort to make it look… what… varnished?
